box of Jack

So, I’m short another grandparent. Time marches on and I find that my maternal grandmother no longer marches with us.

I’m surprised and I’m not surprised, which I think is an entirely appropriate reaction. I’m not surprised that she’s passed on and I’m not surprised that my mother kept it from me until I finally bothered to call home. What is unexpected is how isolated I feel from it all. I didn’t have to suffer the announcement of another sudden hospitalisation, I didn’t have to wait out the six days where my mother found out her kidneys were failing and surgery would be pointless at this stage.

My mother is what I worry about. The dead are elsewhere and my sphere of influence is strictly limited to those they leave behind so I do what I can. My mother is ok; she’s better than one can expect. I remember last year when I had to find her and tell her that grandmother had been in an accident. Someone in a ‘mobility scooter’ had driven by her while she was waiting at the bus stop. The umbrella in the scooter had caught and pulled her to the ground. I held my mother close and whispered quietly but I did not mince my words; her imagination has a way of getting away.

Mum grabbed at my shirt and clenched her fist, tight. This was not long after my uncle’s heart attack and I could see she did not have enough fight to deal with more death. I explained how her injuries were isolated, how she is still awake and talking, how my paternal grandmother recovered from the very same injury to reclaim her rightful place as evil mother-in-law. Her fist slowly unclenched and she regained the stoic composure of the eldest child.

Since that accident, my mother has been coming to terms. Having dealt with the awful heart-breaking mess that is the funeral of a younger brother, it’s almost a blessing to have a mother pass away peacefully in a hospital bed. I listened to her voice on the phone and I can tell she has her brave face on. She’s proud of her strength and rightfully so and I think while she’s obviously sad to lose a parent, she’s found peace in it too.