| Apr082008 | Tina, And Everything That Followed |
Ok you know what, I’ve laid down four different drafts and I just can’t get it right.
I wanted to write and complain about girls but forget that. It’s not hard. It’s something people solve every fucking day and something they’ve been doing for millennia. If you think girls are hard then you should try blogging. That shit is hard.
I’m just gonna blurt it out: I am a master of hiding my crushes. It’s a skill I’ve perfected since my early childhood. As I learnt my ABC’s, I also learnt to love from a distance. The earliest crush I can remember was Tina; I was seven. One of the few other Asians at my primary school, she was one year my junior and nothing else about her remains in my memory. To be honest, I didn’t even realize I had a crush on her until, years later, I looked through my books and saw she featured prominently in my literature. She moved away before I turned nine.
There’s a fear that if someone should know about my crush, they would meddle. And there are very few people I trust to meddle. My best friend once turned to my then-crush and bluntly stated she should give me a blowjob. Right. Smooth. (In his defence, he was probably trying to sabotage this thing because I was being an absolute fool about it but do you see how this does not help with the trust issue? Good.)
But I hope I’ve turned a corner on this issue. All these years of fuck-ups and watching other people’s fuck-ups, I’ve realized one fundamental pattern: after a certain point, I am no longer a rational adult. I make stupid decisions but I’m smart enough to rationalize it all away. These bad choices just lead to a bigger hole and before you know it, I’m a lost cause.
There are two straightforward steps in fixing this problem of suffering in silence. The first thing is to ask other people for advice. The second is to actually follow it.
We all know people that only do the first part; they are megalomaniacs. These kinds of people will talk to you and only seek encouragement. If you try to disagree, they’ll just stop talking to you and find someone that agrees. Coincidentally, people with this personality trait have a habit of getting stuck in toxic relationships. I’ve certainly been guilty of it but I hope it was just an intermediary step in order to transition to the second part.
The second part is a toughie. You need trust and a few shots of bravery. Sweet, velvety bravery that goes down smooth. You need to understand that people on the outside see it so much clearer than you do but at the same time you have to make sure they have all the facts. It’s not a particularly easy job so it helps to have a large group of people to consult with: old friends, new friends, family, bartenders, members of your AA group, etc.
And what about those that are out to get me? How can I ever trust that there aren’t people out there to sabotage my happiness? All I can say to that is: haters to the left. I’m wearing the big-boy pants now and I need to trust my instincts about people. If they’re a bad influence then I need to just cut them out of my life.
| More? |
|
