| Mar312010 | The Letter |
I’m on the larger bunny hill somewhere not too far from the base of Whistler Mountain. It’s a peaceful two-minute ride up the conveyor belt and I’m exhausted after 2 hours of having my ass kicked on my very first day of snowboarding. Every muscle aches, my heart is pounding against my throat, I am fed up with constantly falling, the hill is infested with small children effortlessly gliding by and laughing.
I should have started snowboarding sooner. Incredibly humbling and taxing but fun nonetheless.
It made me think of the lost opportunities with my ex. For a short time on that mountain, I entertained the idea of writing her a letter to tell her that I see it now. I see how I closed myself off to the world and how I was wasting my time by being so withdrawn and holding myself back. I see more of what she meant when she said it was too soon to settle down like that. I’m coming to grips with what she must have seen.
I reflected on this and something didn’t feel quite right about this idea. I feel like I don’t want to write this letter to her. It’s something I need to write but she’s not my target. Anything written for her would be a selfish exercise. I don’t want to win her back, I don’t want to stir up bad feelings, I don’t want to reconnect in any way. I could write her a letter to get things off my chest but any reaction she gives would be dissatisfying. I don’t want her to miss me or hate me or envy me or ignore me. I already have exactly what I want from her right now: nothing.
Nope, this letter is meant for me. An apology to myself for taking the easy way out and taking things for granted. It’s a mistake I’ve been making throughout my entire life and no doubt one I’ll continue to make but I’d like to believe I’m one step closer to understanding and controlling it.
| More? |
|
