| Jun142011 | This past week was monumental |
Ugh, it’s become way too hard to blog now. It’s currently 3am so maybe I can squeeze something out. I’m not drunk though so that might complicate things. I’ve tried poking and prodding but I really just need to sit here and stare at the blank page for a while. It’s much easier to be a joker on Twitter, a horny idiot on Tumblr, or another circlejerker on reddit. To write here and send an hour of hard work into the ether just feels so futile.
Adrian Lux – Teenage Crime (I just love the song, I had no idea the video was about a cougar.)
A truthful recount of recent events that has led me back to my blog:
- Last week I met a cute girl visiting from out of town that I gradually grew attracted to, the feeling wasn’t mutual
- I purchased my very first place and got the keys last Friday
- I spent Saturday night with some new friends watching YouTube videos and not saying much
- I looked at my ex’s Facebook profile photos
Point number one, the out-of-town girl, is a short story. Friend of a friend of a friend, she was visiting for the weekend and she seemed very sweet. Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. But it was nice to meet people that were so vibrant and seeing everything with fresh eyes and open minds. I’ve been feeling so close-minded lately, cynical of opportunities and unable to say ‘yes’ to myself.
The big thing on my mind right now is the new condo that I bought and am in the process of moving into; vaulted ceilings and practically too much natural light. I’ve been moving boxes over little by little but the big move should happen this Thursday when the professionals come to shuffle things out. Internet should hopefully be set up on Wednesday (obviously the number one priority). I’m not buying any new furniture yet but I would love a new desk. I’ll have to start looking.
As for the silent YouTube watching with new friends, this kind of night has happened before with other friends. But I hate it so much because it’s just so draining. It feels so lonely to do this, as if I’m going to movies alone just for the chance to sit next to someone. It reminds me of curling up with a girl and watching a movie but that’s exactly what we’re not doing. I’d rather just sit and talk to these people. Should this happen again, I need to say something. I hate staring at a screen in silence unless it’s with close people I’m ok being silent with. I went home with a profound sense of loneliness and I tried to drown my feelings with food.
The (non) rejection, the transition and the alienation finally came to a head, I looked up my ex on Facebook and flipped through her profile photos. I don’t know if she’s with somebody new but it looks like she’s doing good things with her life. And I do genuinely wish her every happiness in the world. It’s just that, you can’t help but compare and look for a “winner” in the breakup. And despite all my amazing progress and experiences in the past year and a half, I still feel, from time to time, that I’m still the same idiot that couldn’t get his shit together.
The idea popped into my head that maybe I just need to see my ex again. Reconcile and find closure, eliminate this idea that she’s somehow a competitor, remove the spectre of her from my life. Even though she’s not in my life and the moment and we have zero mutual friends, the idea of her still haunts me from time to time. So if I can just see her as a regular person, maybe I can exorcise her ghost from my mind.
After talking to Lachlan, I could better see the events in their totality. I had no idea why I decided to look at her Facebook but reflecting over the past week, it makes sense. And in all honesty, these problems that I have are solely my problems. They are not problems she gave to me and they are not problems I can reasonably expect her to solve. Sure, the right phrases coming out of her mouth might bring me some peace but if this break up has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t rely on her for happiness. I make my own happiness and I bring the people around me into it. But I can’t always be that sad gloomy child expecting to be picked up off the ground.
So, the decision is to continue on as I have and fix myself in all the ways I know how. If she wants to see me, I’d welcome it. But to go to her to find answers to my questions is the wrong approach for me. She’s not my savior or my therapist or a person that can address the insecurities that ricochet inside my skull. That’s all on me.
(Yay, I wrote a big substantial post in which I was honest and not hiding anything from my life. That’s a big step back into blogging.)
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