1. What’s your favorite form of punctuation?
2. If you could relive any one day in your life, what day would it be?
3. What do you think it would take for you to stop blogging?
4. Have you ever had an “almost” moment – where it seemed like things were just about to start but they never actually did? Job-wise, relationship-wise, friend-wise, etc.
5. What would your dream bathroom look like?

Explain in detail! :)

I’d like to offer the same to any readers of this blog. If you’d like me to interview you so you can blog about it, leave a comment and I’ll email you some questions. Be forewarned that I will send you Jon-Stewart-quality questions: ones that are super insightful and well thought-out but ultimately serve to set me up for some punchlines.

Favorite Punctuation

Funny that she should ask this. She’s the only person I know that actually writes complete sentences in IM with periods and capital letters. From this, I infer that she is a proud writer with the highest respect for the craft and the language. Or maybe she’s just spend too much time writing papers.

My favorite punctuation mark is the semicolon. It’s a widely-known but rarely-used mark to link together related clauses or list out items where commas would be unbecoming. I like it because it puts just the right pause in the rhythm of a sentence: longer than a comma, shorter than a period and without the added noise of an extra word.

Runner up would be the sarcasm mark which I see a lot in closed captions, e.g. “That’s so great (!)” It must be an uncommon usage because I almost never see it used outside of this context. I like the way it takes the loud bang of a exclamation mark and mutes it between two parentheses.

My least favorite is the interrobang, used to combine a question and punctuation mark into one. It just looks unwieldy and doesn’t have the finesse of ligatures.

Reliving Any One Day

I’m not sure I could pick one. I’m currently in a pretty happy place and I don’t ache with nostalgia for any particular day. Maybe as a joke, I’d go back and relive the day that I first saw Groundhog Day. That would be deliciously meta but nobody else would be around for the joke.

Ok, if we want to get really sad here, I’d go back to that day I last saw my grandpa alive. He was lying in a hospital bed, pre-op, and about to go in for another round of bypass surgery. I had not been present at his previous surgeries and I had no knowledge about the gravity of the circumstances. As we left his room, my parents told me to hug my grandpa and say goodbye and I remember thinking it was such an odd request because I almost never hugged my grandpa. Ours was a strong familial bond but hugging was simply never part of the regimen. Nonetheless, I embraced him because I thought surgery must be pretty scary so maybe he needed all the moral support he could get.

I wasn’t dissatisfied with the way I said goodbye but I wish I had known exactly what that goodbye meant.

What Would It Take to Stop Blogging

Blogging has been that constant in my life for the longest time because I’m so connected to the internet. I spend 8 hours a day at a computer and then I go home and spend some more time on my laptop. In between, I use my phone to read the internet. It’s insane, I know. It’s why my hard-working, blue-collar parents probably don’t think too hard about why their son is paid twice as much as they are to sit down and wiggle his fingers all day.

I can’t think of anything that would make me stop. It would have to be something completely unexpected. Like I suddenly form a meth habit or some EMP knocks out the entire internet. It’s like asking what it would take for me to stop walking.

An “Almost” Moment

Job-wise and friend-wise, nope. Relationship-wise? Ergh. It pains me to even think about it. How close do you have to be to count it as “almost”? Like when I feel like I can stand on a box and almost pluck the full moon out of the sky?

There were several paragraphs here and I deleted them. You’ll have to take my word that they were very well-written and yet hard-to-read.

Dream Bathroom

I haven’t thought much about this but I imagine a contemporary, minimalist theme with maybe a touch of zen garden. I haven’t got any real ideas about colors but I want a very modern sink and one of those floor-to-ceiling glass showers that could fit two people comfortably. Oh and I want wireless speakers that my iPhone or computer can stream to so I can listen to music in there. And I want the softest towels imaginable, ones that caress like a lover’s touch. And magical mirrors that are resistant to fogging up.

Oh, and heated tile floors. Mmm.

That’s all, folks. As I said above: if you’d like to be interviewed, leave a comment and I’ll email you the questions.

Of course, growing up in Australia, I never actually heard this term until I saw Cartman using it on South Park. It remained in the back of my consciousness until it showed up on my radar again as a ironic affectation of speech.

I think I’m going to grow up to be one of those guys that makes the children cringe because he uses their buzzwords in a stunted and trying-way-too-hard manner. I’ll follow my kids around and tell them stuff is hella tight and I will delight in their seething hatred.

I had a weird disconnect this morning as I caught my elevator this morning. One of the handful of cute Japanese women that I’ve seen around boarded with me and asked me if the elevator was going down. Understand that she looks distinctly foreign: pale make-up on her cheeks, huge anime-style eyes with equally enlarged lashes, dark purple trenchcoat, etc. And as she was asking me this question, her mouth did not seem to move in accordance with the words that emerged. Her lips moved one way and different sounds came out.

So this is why you find me, 8am in the morning, standing behind a lady in a purple trenchcoat in an elevator. I squint my eyes and aim my stare at the back of your head; I mouth the words:

“You’ve been dubbed over.”

“You prefer a magic trick, instead? Watch me make this pencil disappear.”

Uh huh. I’m still on hiatus but this movie rocks so please add your spoiler-iffic thoughts in the comments. If you haven’t seen it yet then we aren’t friends anymore. You’re demoted to a frenemy.

HER: Wanna watch Scrubs?
JACK: Sure. But I have seen every episode at least three times over.
HER: What do you usually watch?
JACK: Um, well.

Jack changes to channel to MSNBC to catch the second half of Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

JACK: It’s mostly politics.
HER: Oh my God. Erghh. Oh my Gawwwwd.

She proceeds to writhe around in mock agony to the point where her tortured cries drown out whatever new and sad story is surfacing about John McCain. Probably the one about the fundraiser nobody RSVPed for.

JACK: Um, ok. I get the hint.
HER: Oh my gawwwwwwwwwd. Arghhhhhhh. I’m dying.

Eight things I am passionate about:

1. Food
   Because it’s a beautiful, universal and something that everyone on Earth can be passionate about. Whether it’s Coke vs. Pepsi, the right way to BBQ or why the nice people in Top Chef always get kicked out first.

2. Humor
   Because I laugh and joke when it’s least appropriate. Because everything needs to be laughed at eventually. Whether its your childhood embarrassment or a life-destroying catastrophe.

3. Television
   My babysitter, my best friend. It’s what I’ve spent so much of my life in front of, what taught me half of the language and culture I know and what I’ve bonded over. It’s my favorite pasttime.

4. Friends

5. Loyalty

6. Fixing computers

7. Music

Eight things I want to do before I die:

1. Skydive

2. Have kids

3. Catch a train around Europe

4. Drive a very expensive car

5. Love

6. Revenge

7. Reply to a blog meme – Check!

8. Say goodbye.

Eight things I say often:

1. Evidently.
   Usually said in a kidding, charming kind of way but occasionally in a very waspy way.

2. Absolutely.
   A reply in agreement with a suggestion. E.g. “Want to get naked and use our bodies to paint this giant canvas?”

3. Motherfuck
   Because sometimes “fuck!” just isn’t enough to convey the complexities of modern life.

4. Clusterfuck
   Something I inherited from my old boss. Everything we worked on there was a clusterfuck.

5. Bollocks
   I use this to add to my fake British-y charm. I don’t think it’s working.

6. Thanks.
   Is it just me or are most Americans very frugal with the thanking of restaurant people? I thank people for inviting me in, taking my order, re-filling my water, everything. It feels weird to just ignore the waiter or busboy while they do things for you.

7. Awesome
   I wish I could stop saying this word, its meaning has been diluted. I dress it up now with “awesomesauce”, “awesomeboat” or “alsomes”.

8. How’s life?
   Much better than a simple ‘how are you’ because I genuinely would like people to tell me how they are doing.

Eight books I’ve read recently:

1. Me Talk Pretty One Day – David Sedaris
   I’ve heard David Sedaris read several times on This American Life and I always found it blisteringly funny. I am so-so about the book, I think his voice really adds something that is missing in his words.

2. Then We Came To The End – Joshua Ferris
   Oh this is a brilliant book. Think The Office but instead of humor, it’s pettiness and frustration and ugly rumors. It’s closer to an actual office.

3. Kiss Me, I’m Single – Amanda Ford
   Yes, everyone needs to read this book. Whilst it’s targeted towards single women of the marrying age, it works for any single person that can’t stop stressing about the fact that they’re single. Also, it will only take you two hours to read. Must have.

4. On Writing – Stephen King
   If you enjoy thinking about the process of writing, you’ll enjoy this. Even if you’ve never read or hate Stephen King.

5. The Big Bang – Em and Lo
   Umm, this is a sex manual but not in the kinky Kama Sutra way. It’s a rational, light-hearted approach to the topic and if you like sex then you should read it. Unless you already know everything about sex. I’ve re-read it a lot.

6. No One Belongs Here More Than You – Miranda July
   Poignant, beautiful collection of quirky short stories. You will love this book like an ugly three-legged dog; it’s unusual and not what you’d expect but it’s got a heart of gold.

7. Tabloid Tokyo 2
   Pulpy trash that I bought for the flight home from Japan. Full of Japanese tabloid stories that make you think the nation is full of fucked-up perverts.

8. Eats, Shoots & Leaves – Lynne Truss
   People love this book, I enjoyed parts but ultimately got bored of it. I am not a big enough grammar nerd.

Eight Movies I have seen Eight times:

1. Austin Powers – International Man of Mystery
   I still love this movie because it has not been quoted to death.

2. Home Alone
   Why did Macaulay Culkin have to grow up?

3. Forrest Gump
   I am unusually drawn to this movie. I occasionally address my brothers as “Lieutenant Dan”.

4. The Matrix
   Yeah, I’m a geek. I kinda wish they had stopped at one movie.

5. Terminator 2

6. Pulp Fiction
   A movie so good, it makes John Travolta look cool.

7. High Fidelity
   Eh, kinda overrated. I’d put it on par with the underrated Swingers. Although, the sex scene is hilarious and shares top billing with Office Space.

8. The Lion King
   I love most Disney movies that don’t involve princesses.

Eight people who should do this meme:

1. Clink
   Yup, I know this internet meme is totally going to bring her back. Just you watch. We love you, Clink.

2. Deutlich
   Because. She’s my ex-wife and we share a love for one word sentences. No. Seriously. Dude. Also, it will be funny to watch her try and narrow things down to just eight.

3. I’m a Craigslist Whore

4. poodlegoose

5. *purewhitewave
   She’s a barely-contained ball of passion.

6. 20nothing in seattle
   She’s about to stop blogging! Boo.

7. Dennis Hotson
   Aha! A wildcard entry.

8. All my friends that started blogging and forgot about it
   Studds, Lachlan, Hui-Ai, Fay, Addy, Geraldine and Kanye West

I think I just want some really comforting soup. Winter is ending and I’d like to send the last days balled up on my couch with a big ol’ mug of blogosoup. To add to the ambiance, I’ll look on youtube for a video of a roaring fireplace and fullscreen it.

Commenters: Give me advice on how to make a blogosoup. Jack needs to be fed.

The night started off well. The very first thing I did was run to my guitar and belt out a few tunes. There was a heavy silence in the room that I just needed to clear. Then I was bored again and it was only 8:30pm. I unloaded the dryer (from 2 days before). 8:50pm, still bored. I start sorting my old bills into stacks and filing them away. Yes, I’m doing all this housework because I have no internet. Also? I’m drinking wine.

At around 9:05pm I remember I’d signed up to some stupid web-seminar about taxes and I had to login so I reluctantly booted up ye olde MacBook Pro and went to the website. “Meeting Not Found.” Great. Since the computer was on anyway, I started surfing and chatting and went back to my old ways. “I’ll do this on Thursday night, ” I told myself.

Thursday night, I get home and I challenge myself to finish the bottle of wine. I forgot all about disconnecting myself from this multitasking world blah blah blah. I’ll have you know, I won that challenge. Now I am going to go to bed with a slight buzz, goodnight.

It’s such a shame. Because I’d love to keep in touch with people and just know what they’re thinking. Something completely random but relevant to their world as it is right now makes someone seem all the closer. To wit, here are some of my better Twitter messages (aka tweets):

• “dear god I have the Plow King song stuck in my head”
  01:00 PM March 07, 2007

• “Friday afternoon and I’m on my way home. The air smells of marshmallows and unicorns”
  06:32 PM April 27, 2007

• “There’s a couple in the financial district. He’s teaching her to dance and twirling her around and around.”
  08:51 PM July 18, 2007

• “Has anyone invented the word ‘cramputee’? It’s a good word for people who don’t warm up before working out.”
  08:17 AM July 27, 2007

• “Back from speedboating and jet skiing. I hit my head and I hit Diana in the head.”
  07:17 PM July 28, 2007

• “If my Delorean ever broke down, i would get it fixed and then travel back in time to when it broke and give myself a lift.”
  09:44 AM August 01, 2007

• “‘People-watching’ in Seattle isn’t very interesting. It just involves watching people parallel park because nobody here walks.”
  03:43 PM August 04, 2007

• “Overheard at the supermarket: ‘Mr Hardy, your parole officer is waiting for you at the checkout.’”
  08:13 PM August 21, 2007

• “The coffee girl was totally checking out my chest (new t shirt).”
  01:28 PM September 22, 2007

• “Bad news: Twitterific won’t launch. Good news: my hands smell like fresh muffins.”
  11:26 AM October 29, 2007

• “Interesting souvenir bought by some Japanese guy: this month’s Playboy.”
  11:15 AM November 09, 2007

So go sign up for Twitter and you can update it from the web, from your phone via SMS, from GTalk. It’s free, you can set yourself to private, and I will like you a lot if you sign up.