box of Jack

Welfare is, as I understand it, financial aid given to those who we deem require it. Money doesn’t grow on trees so I guess we need to take money from those that have it and give it to those who don’t. There’s a lot to argue inside this space because sometimes the government takes too much, sometimes it gives too much and the rest of the time the money is completely mismanaged and you lose faith in the system. Great, great. There should be a lot of healthy debate about how the money is spent.

I know a guy who is of the opinion that welfare is largely unnecessary. He said something along the lines of having his money taken from him at gunpoint. I may be misrepresenting him here because I did not do my due diligence and ask him to elaborate further. Honestly, I was just in shock after hearing that statement because my parents worked their asses off and relied on government handouts to make a decent lower-middle-class living. I can’t imagine where we’d be without the assistance.

So maybe this guy has some legitimate gripes. I don’t know his story. Maybe he’s seen the government waste and corporate greed firsthand. Maybe things are done different here in the United States.

Fast forward to a second of such conversations. Such honest wisdom: “I always thought poor people were poor because they didn’t want to work any harder,” and, “I don’t really believe in minimum wage because some jobs just aren’t worth minimum wage.” Again, I was in a state of shock. I don’t know what else to call it. Something rammed into my head at full force and the world went white and all I know now is that I’m on my back staring up at the night sky.

It was as if a grown man had walked over and asked how babies were made. There is far too much to fill you in on, buddy. I really don’t care enough to lecture you about the mechanics of procreation. Besides, I’ve never made a baby so I’m probably the wrong guy to ask. I can only recite what books and TV have taught me.

Honestly? You don’t have to look very hard to see the widening gap between the rich and the poor. There’s plenty of room for debate on how to deal with it but these views this guy expresses is just completely off my radar. Maybe they extend from some sort of hyper-idealism where everyone is born into the same wealth and the world is a gracious meritocracy or perhaps it’s some cynical “every man for himself” deal where if you don’t have enough then you can suck it because I got mine. I don’t know, I don’t really care to know, it’s too much for me to think about.

I have a problem with showers.

I know, I know. You would say, “Well Jack, you are a pot-bellied, twenty-something computer programmer who buys all his t-shirts off the internet. It is absolutely no surprise that you are not on great terms with the shower; a modern marvel of personal hygiene.”

That was uncalled for.

My actual problem with showers is that every time I stay over at someone else’s place, I try to use to the shower and I always have a problem. The pipes might groan and rattle when I push it towards the temperature I want. Maybe the hot/cold labels are reversed. Maybe it’s one of those artsy fartsy shower controls that do not conform to common sense; they are free spirits that require you to push up and outwards for temperature and invert the lever to increase water flow.

The shower I have in my current apartment is kind of weird. It conforms to this new American standard of only having one knob for temperature, water pressure is kept constant and, by default, water will begin spouting out of the faucet to fill the tub rather than the shower head. I imagine we arrived at this strange configuration because of some series of class action lawsuits and corporate lobbyists. American readers will nod their head at this description but I’m sure my Australian friends are thoroughly confused.

Here is the basic process:

1. Turn the knob to a position where you guess the water would be the right temperature
2. Pull the weird thingo on the tub faucet to switch it from Bath Mode to Shower Mode
3. Do your thang
4. Turn the knob to the off position

It’s actually a simpler process than the traditional system with separate hot/cold controls but I’m getting old now and I like to complain when things are no longer the way they used to be.

Cheers, darlin’. Here’s to you and your lover boy.
Cheers, darlin’. I get years to wait ’round for you.
Cheers, darlin’. I got your wedding bells in my ear.
Cheers, darlin’. You gave me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away.

The singer’s voice rasps through the speakers of my old Mazda hatchback; it’s a slow, distorted melody of self-torturing. I drive quietly and automatically, letting the orange streetlights strobe across the windscreen. She sits in the passenger seat, perhaps wondering why this other girl had such a grip on me.

“I got so jealous when she met someone else,” I volunteer.

She nods.

“Have I played you this song before? It’s my favorite song of the moment and I guess it’s appropriate. He’s toasting the girl that he likes and her new boyfriend. He’s devastated but he has no plans to get over her.”

More nodding.

What follows is a long silence. I don’t waste any more time trying to articulate my feelings; I let the song wash over me. The song grows in distortion, the rasping is replaced with an undignified wailing, violins enter and it becomes a cacophony.

“But… is she happy?”

There’s optimism in her voice; she expects me to wish the best for people. That’s not the point, is it? The point is I’m dying and this other girl is the opposite of dying. She’s oblivious to me. I’m torturing myself over her and I’m torturing my friend in the passenger seat and she’s too busy to even notice. Such imbalance should not exist in this world, things should be fair and maybe I don’t deserve to be happy but I wish she could feel just a slice of this. She should know, right?

I’m a 23-year-old male. I’m also a Capricorn. Wait! Don’t run away! I don’t usually introduce myself by telling you my star sign. It’s gross, I know. What’s even grosser is to have it on a little business card that you hand out to all the leggy blondes in the room.

Anyway, here’s what my email horoscope said for today:

Try to make some time to relax and have fun today, Jack. Sometimes you get so caught up in chores and obligations that you forget what it’s like to simply breathe. Focus on the loved ones in your life, and have some important conversations with them. Play with your kids in the park. Go out for a romantic dinner with your partner. Celebrate the fact that you are simply alive!

This is why I am still signed up for a horoscope every day. I’m too cynical to ever trust those people who are happy all day everyday but my attitude changes when it comes to anonymous hippies that talk about celestial bodies the same way I talk about characters on TV shows. Plus this horoscope is good, no stupid predictions just something to remind me not to take things for granted.

My daily horoscope is woefully inaccurate at the best of times. Sometimes it is a fun game to read it at the end of the day and try to re-interpret the text to actually apply to my life. Kind of like what people do with Nostradamus’ writing.