Leliel

18:54 PDT - September 17th, 2016

So, this is some embarrassingly geeky nonsense but I was falling into a pit of despair a week ago and visualizing a scene from Neon Genesis Evangelion helped me climb out.

When I’m struck with sadness or depression, it comes on most strong in the mornings. My brain greets the day with some of the most terrifying and cruel thoughts and I replay these emotions over and over. The thought of getting out of bed seems impossible. I can lay there for hours just stewing in a deep regret.

I was feeling a particularly acute sadness this morning, not the usual fog of depression but a sharp pain in my chest. A thick black void deep inside my rib cage that robbed me of my perspective.

A trick I’ve learned is to give myself permission to rewrite my nightmares and to rewrite them poorly. I dreamt I fell down a hole? Well now there’s ice cream at the bottom and it’s delicious. A dream where everyone abandons me? Turns out they were there all along and we lived happily ever after.

With this in mind, I rewrote my despair. The black void became an unearthly floating sphere that suddenly grows solid. Cracks appear and then an arm bursts forth. A powerful being emerges and starts screaming in terror; it is my refusal to to suffer in silence. Its limbs twist and stretch and tear the sphere apart. They radiate with a cautious orange light and they grow… its arms become my arms, its legs become my legs.

It feels like something new but, at the same time, something I’ve always possessed. It feels scary, in a good way.

The visuals felt so familiar to me. It was only a few days later that I realized I was stealing from NGE.